Emotional Scars

I am not going to sit here tonight and pretend that my life is perfect. Like the rest of the planet I am here with a mission, and curve balls are often in the forecast. I've thought a lot about trials lately--I don't mean dwelling on them because that gets you nowhere. But I've thought about healing and moving on at different times in our lives. We had the BYU devotional last week which was absolutely amazing, and that talked about everything that has been going through my head. You can listen to it below:

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=2162

What I was really thinking about was my last semester--I know I've hinted that I had "roommate issues" and a rough semester, but as some of you know, it took me to my ultimate limits. People would ask me, how college was--they expected me to say that I was having the time of my life, and I ended up just resorting to saying that it was "crazy." 

This, is the real story of my 1st semester in college:

What truly happened was I moved out to Utah to start my new chapter. I was living off-campus so I would be sure to have a kitchen. The girl I roomed with seemed sweet and I was so excited that I had a nice roommate. Soon I had a Japanese roommate join the apartment, along with an engaged girl. Things seemed great, and school was really starting to roll. I soon learned that my roommate had emotional mental challenges, but I had dealt with a similar friend quite often at home, and was willing to just keep an eye on everything. 

Things were fine, until I came home one night to find her on her bed, silent, and shaking. After trying to get something out of her for a while, she finally confided in my that someone had physically taken advantage of her. I was supposed to take three tests the following day, but stayed up most of the night with her after calling the help line, and being willing to listen or talk. That in itself was a lot to take in. 

After having to meet with professors and reschedule exams, a few days passed and I soon learned that there was a high possibility that the entire incident was fake. 

I can't even tell you the frustration and anger that came with it. It simply grew as each day there would be more evidence that it had occurred, followed by evidence that it hadn't. Because of my personality though, my heart broke for her, and I really believed that it had happened. After a good two weeks of this constant changing which included fabricated text messages saying that that guy wanted to come to the apartment, I hit rock bottom. Every time I would turn around, something would take what I thought had happened/was happening, and turn it up-side-down. I honestly was about to crack. I found myself sleeping on my couch for almost an entire day, so depressed that I couldn't even get myself to classes. That night I just sat on the couch and cried. I hadn't cried over the last few weeks and it finally all came crashing down.  I didn't know what to believe, and was half convinced that the guy--really scary guy--was going to show up on my front doorstep. After I had been just sitting for a while, that roommate came and sat next to me, then said, "I'm sorry I've made you so upset." But she didn't just say it, she LAUGHED while she said it. That's when I was truly scared. 

I started camping on a friend's couch, and spent the next two weeks as various apartments. I would sleep there, then run to the old apartment to get ready and grab clothes. Everything I owned I had to stash at a friend's house or in my car, and left only clothes there. Usually I brought someone with me if I ever had to go back, because something had changed in the apartment, and something wasn't right. On one occasion, I had to grab my contact case and pajamas. As soon as I opened the door, I felt the most distinct and strong impression to GET OUT NOW. I literally ran and grabbed my stuff and ran out the door and to my friend's apartment. Darkness is a real thing, and the Holy Ghost will always warn you of it.

After two weeks of this, and filling more and more paperwork, I found myself sitting on the folding counter in the laundry room, crying on the phone with my mom. I literally felt like I was losing my mind. Because the apartment complex had yet to do anything, my Mom came down the next day and within a few hours I was packed and moved to another apartment within the complex. After moving everything, my mom made the call that I should probably go home for a few days. I had no idea how bad I was doing until I went home. It took me the first four days to even have any desire to get up in the morning, and I was numb for most of the 11-day trip. I didn't tell anyone I was coming home, and if I bumped into them, I didn't tell them why I was actually home. I felt like a freak and a wimp for having to come home--that I wasn't emotionally strong enough to have just dealt with it and moved on--but looking back now, I needed to go home. 

I later found out that she had done this seven other times to seven other girls who fell for it all--she picked us because we cared about her, and knew that we would be ones who would be there emotionally--that is the sickest part. 

I wish I could say that I have totally moved on, but a few days ago I sat thinking about how hard it has been the last few months to trust people, and to really reach out to others. I have never had a problem with the latter--in fact that is one of my greatest joys in life, but something had changed. I finally put the pieces together and realized that I have never been quite the same since everything went down last semester. (along with my grades which qualified me to be on the warning list at BYU.) 

 But why am I telling you this?! You don't need to know my personal trials!
I'm posting this tonight because I want to acknowledge the true trials we all face, and the aftermath that is often harder to overcome than the trial itself. Some may look at my experience and think that I had it easy, and they have an even crazier roommate story--I am sure that could be the case, but for me this was torture, and I am still dealing with the effects of that time in my life--grade-wise, financially, and most importantly, emotionally. What I want to ask is that we recognize one another's trials for what they are, and even though we may not be able to get ourselves through on our own, the Savior makes all things possible. It may not be easy to move forward--I'm truly still in that process--but through the atonement, there is a way.
I hope that your day is bright, and remember that if it's dark at this moment, there will come a time, when your days will be just as bright as they are dark now.
Love Always,

Tayler

A Very Freshman Friday

I thought you could all use a good laugh this morning. Well, you may not find it funny, but my cousin and I were laughing ridiculously hard looking back last night. Allow me to take you back to the horrors of a first-semester freshman's life. (I had completely forgotten about this until my cousin brought it up last night. :) ) So, my cousin had just graduated that last semester and therefore wasn't taking any classes. But, on that first or second week of my college experience, she happened to be on campus to have lunch with someone--or something like that.

Now let's bounce over to me. Oh, I have to laugh as I type because there is probably a reason I forgot about this.....
But there I was, the first or second week of school, being a good student, sitting in DUH, DUH, DUH, DUUUUUMMMM!!!! American Heritage. Enough said. It's one thing to endure a lecture, but after sitting there for a good 15 minutes, it began to go down hill fast. It started with my jaw-line itching. Super weird, and super random, but it was more of a tingling, numbing, kind of itch. I thought to myself that that was pretty odd, especially because one side of my face was worse than the other. But I continued to sit there. Over the next five minutes, it went from tingling, and itching on just my jaw line, to burning, tingling, and hot as it crept all the way up to my scalp. Literally, my skin felt like it was on fire. I ran my hand across my face and my entire face was textured with massive bumps. As you can image, I was at this point a bit freaked out, so I made the call to walk out of the lecture and head to a bathroom expecting to find hives from Mars covering my entire head. After taking one look in the mirror, I was blown away to see.....nothing.
I had no clue how my skin could be so hot, burning so bad, and so bumpy, yet you couldn't even see anything. That's when my lovely cousin happens to be walking into the Wilk, while I am headed out. Believe me, it was divine intervention.

This is where the story gets funny though, and this was the part that I didn't even remember.
As you can imagine, I was a bit freaked out, and extremely uncomfortable--really though, my skin was on fire!!! So my cousin informed me last night that she saw me that day, and after she was like "Tayler!! How are you!!!" I guess the first thing that came out of my mouth, was...."my scalp is on fire." No emotion, just "my scalp is on fire." (This is where she and I were laughing ridiculously hard last night, because I don't really know if I could have come up with any other response possibly more awkward, random, and down right weird!) So my dear cousin then convinces me to let her drive me to wallgreens to pick up benedryl, and then home so I could jump in the shower.
Needless to say, after two showers and a good amount of benedryl it barely settled down, and I have lovely pictures from the next three days that it took for it to quit freaking out. After tons of oatmeal masks and scrubs, it was finally gone after a few weeks. Talk about a freshman's worst nightmare. Well, hopefully you maybe got at least a chuckle out of it, but either way, I am so greatful to be where I am now, and where my life is--though the stories are often entertaining down the road. :)

Have a wonderful Friday, and we'll talk to you this weekend! :)
Love, Tayler

P. S. Before I leave, here is the quote of the day!

I'm DONE WAITING. Life is for LIVING!

Hey! So how has your January been so far? Can you even believe it is already 2014??
So, the inspiration behind this post came from being up late, writing in my journal, and looking back at old entries. I have to admit that there are times when I am awesome at writing......and then there are the other times. But, what I was looking at was how much space I had taken up in my journal in a year. It was definitely wild to think that if I wrote the same amount this year. That page, right there, would hold everything I was up to exactly a year form now. Maybe questions would have answers and there would be even more questions to be answered. And when I started thinking about it in pages--because truly, it is my story--I thought about how life is all just a matter of time. Then I thought about all of the times I told myself, "Just got to make it to the weekend" but the weekend soon comes and goes. Or "only 4 more months and the braces come off, and won't look like I'm ten" (I still look pretty young.....and the braces are long gone. :)  ) Or even "just have to graduate high school." Well that has come and gone.....and you better believe that I was one happy girl when I turned that page, but still, life is crazy as ever, and it feels like high school never even happened!

My point is that I have found that I often tell myself I have to just make it to the next mark. But as I was looking through my journal I couldn't help but think about all of the people who have told me they wish they were back in college, in my shoes. And then I thought, "you know what? I'm done wishing my life away." I don't mean that I've missed out per say, but when you (keep in mind I am a planner by nature) are constantly looking to the future to the point that only your physical body is living in the present, I'm afraid that one day, you will realize--I would realize--that I barely even experienced my own life. I find myself around so many people who are waiting. I don't mean that they're wasting their lives away, but still they're either waiting to get out of school, waiting for that missionary to come home, or waiting to meet they're eternal spouse. I have found myself in that category--waiting for the next mark--far too many times. Points come and go, and I have found that when I am too focused on the end result, (which often just comes and goes, I miss the entire journey.

So! This is my latest and greatest project, and anyone and everyone is welcome to participate. It is a personal project, but I would love to hear all about your version, if you so choose to accept it! ;) 

First let me ask, what can you do in a year? Well, um......you could pull off quite a bit in a year....
MY POINT EXACTLY!! So instead of "getting through" the next year or six months or two weeks--wherever your next benchmark is, for me, I'm using a year--I am going to instead fill it full of incredible things and see how amazing I can make the next year. I'm sure a few of you are thinking, well, isn't this pretty much new years resolutions?? Similar, but not exactly. Often new years resolutions involve sticking with something for a specific amount of time--which potentially brings us back to the waiting game.

Let me give you some examples:
1. I love yoga. I'm not setting a goal to do it every morning for the next year, but rather am going to do it as often as I can just because I love it.
2. I would like to get in shape, and learn to enjoy running. I'm not setting a goal to run a marathon in two years, or even a mile in a certain amount of time. Instead I'm curious as to how much I could accomplish in the next year.
3. I can cook pretty well now, but I have only scratched the surface. Over the next year I want to thoroughly explore my extensive cook book collection, and enjoy time in the kitchen with friends and family.

Does that kind of make sense? No time commitments, no set plans, but the challenge of what you could do within a year.
**Personal Note:
On a more spiritual note, I want to be that much better of a person in a year from now as well. So, I bought a calendar and for the next year (so on each and every day) I am going to try to do something Christ would do(some kind of service, etc.), and write it on that day's square.

It is most definitely a person goal/challenge/experience, but no matter what, I would love for you to just see what you can accomplish--anything and everything--in the next year, please share below in the comments! The more the merrier! :) I think we can all use more doing and less waiting for our chapters to turn.

As always, love ya'

Tayler

God Gave Me You and Chocolate-Covered Pretzels

So I overheard this conversation today as I was walking to class, that really got me thinking. It went something like this:
Girl: (Holding hands with her boyfriend, talking to him) all I have left today is to go to my TA lab. I really don't like going though, because they just tell me everything that I'm doing wrong.
Guy: That's why God gave me you--to tell you everything that you are doing right. Like today, you got up early, you exercised, and you've gone to all of your classes. 

I didn't catch much more of it--they had been walking right behind me but then turned and headed the other direction. That phrase though, "God gave me you," really stuck with me. I mean, yes it is a song that I know and love, but it was interesting to think about that concept; God's hands are in our lives.

In regards to having that person, and all of the other aspects, I truly believe that He does have a hand in our lives, but that isn't what I want to cover tonight. Actually, I want to talk about the second part of his comment: Everything she did "right."

Because I am me, it is definitely a good day if I get up early, go to all of my classes, and exercise at some point during the day. For some though, they would think that those tasks are no sort of accomplishment. This is where the chocolate-covered pretzels come in.

Those two complimented each other. I don't mean that they told one another millions of things they loved about the other, or showered them in compliments, but their perspectives complimented one another.
Just like Pretzels and white-chocolate. I know that seems like a really funny way of looking at it, but this is for every person out there who wonders why they haven't found that person yet, and find themselves single as can be.
First off, think of a pretzel, and everything that goes into it. You've got flour, salt, yeast, and many more components that are turned into a dough, then shaped, boiled, baked, and finally, salted. It all didn't happen in a single moment, nor was it a simple process. They had to be shaped and put through different processes in order to become the pretzel that would go deliciously with white chocolate. What if I said you have a lot in common with that single (no pun intended) pretzel. You are made up of many different things--personality, family, interests, perspectives--and have been through many life experiences--ups, downs, trials, and paths we could never even imagine--just like the pretzels are boiled and baked until they are crisp and salty.

But isn't it interesting how they are an amazing snack all on their own? Well, just like those pretzels, you are amazing all on your own, and have been shaped into who you are today.
I know what you're thinking though: I thought you said white-chocolate pretzels?
You are exactly right. The chocolate is that special person that compliments you just the way you are. It doesn't mean you weren't incredible on your own, but just like after the pretzels are completely done and ready to be dipped in chocolate, the chocolate just makes them that much better.
Even though you've now put them together there is still a difference between the two, yet they compliment one another. They aren't exactly the same, but that is what makes them work together so beautifully.

So, as cheesy as it is, what I want to say is as follows:
1. Just like those pretzels, we are shaped into who we are today, and who we want to ultimately become. 

2. We can stand alone and we must become our own person first. ( Just like the chocolate has to be prepared as well :) ) 

3. When it is right, it is right. Just like the chocolate and pretzels are two completely different components, so are you and your spouse, but your differences are what make you even that much more incredible, together. It's the sweet and salty. :) 

As silly as this little analogy may seem, I firmly do believe that Heavenly Father prepares us for what lies ahead, and when the time is right, will cross our path with that special person's. Before I get to studying, let me leave you with two quotes:

A dear friend e- mailed this to me after a visit back home:

"The prophets have stressed many times that marriage is an appropriate and universal goal.  But it has been my observation that the best marriages, the best engagements, are not the results of directly seeking after marriage.  The best marriages seem to be a by-product of pursuing many different kinds of worthy goals.  In other words, a young woman at Brigham Young University or anywhere else who devotes her full attentions and energies to finding a husband may well find one, but this perhaps will not be the best kind of match.  The best marriage will be the one that comes when the young woman is not so much concerned with finding the right one as with being the right one."  

Wise advice from Sr. Davidson

And finally, remember that He has a plan for you, and is waiting for you to trust him. It may not be easy, but it will bring you the greatest peace, and keep you for wishing your life away.

Love you all, and I will talk to you soon!

P.S. A note to my other half: wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, I can't wait for the many adventure we will have together. Wishing you the best!

Tayler 

Stop Doing, and Start Feeling

It seems like such an odd thing to say, doesn't it? Because in order to feel--whether it be excitement, peace, love, accomplished, respected, or practically everything that comes with the "life experience"--it would seem like we would have to do something; complete a massive goal, fall madly in love, be given an incredible opportunity, and so on, and so forth.

Let me step back for a minute--tonight, I went visiting teaching. I knew we were going an hour or so before hand, but was willing to go. Still, I thought about how much nicer it would be to just stay home and do homework. Obviously, I went, and as my visiting teaching companion and visited with this sister, I was blown away how peaceful the room was, and how all of my worries about classes and friends and family were almost checked at the door. At that moment doing my visiting teaching, turned into feeling the spirit of visiting teaching, and it was a pleasure if not a privilege to share that while with those amazing women. Had I just checked on her to check it off, I would have been watching the clock and thinking about every other thing I could possibly be using this time to get done. Moral of the story: I felt it. 

I think this ambiguous "it" is called life, or living. I mean, truly living and experiencing all that this world has to offer. Let me give another example.

Being at BYU sometimes makes you feel like you're living at a bridal shop--I should be clearer and say that when it feels like all of your friends are getting married and half of the school is wearing a wedding ring, your entire perception of a wedding dress, reception, invitations and everything else, changes.

Just for your viewing pleasure (please know that I have never been, and am NOT engaged/married) I have attached the fake wedding announcements that a friend of mine and I put out the summer before our senior year in high school... besides wedding dresses, this is my only experience in this department...

This would be me saying goodbye to him at the airport after giving everyone heart attacks ;) 

That was totally a side note, but what I was actually going to go into is wedding dresses. I am a dress person, and have my fair share of a collection, and several books as well, but wedding dresses are an interesting animal. This is where the doing vs. feeling comes into play. I've been with several brides as they're making that decision or what to wear on one of if not the biggest day of their life. But, when you stop to really pay attention it is quite interesting, and leaves me in awe. 

This really hit me today as I was helping a bride find her dress.

It doesn't matter how beautiful she looks; it matters how beautiful she feels.

Just think about that for a moment, and it is amazing how that can almost apply to all aspects of our lives.

It doesn't matter (please just follow, I understand that there are definitely different ways to look at this) what you said, but rather how it made the other person feel. In your studies, you can do everything it takes to attain a degree, but if you have no passion for it, it will never be fulfilling. 

To sum it up then, it made more sense in my head than on paper, but it is as if living isn't simply going thorough the motions of life, but truly living is doing things for the right reason and following your heart. That is where I would sum it up with "feeling." 

So, I hope you could follow that crazy train of thought, but to end I have included a clip from one of my favorites movies--Many of the quotes form the film are words I live by.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnfFBspNrN8

Love you all, it has been far too long. I will definitely be posting frequently again.