Living A Legacy: To Brittany Maynard and the World

The first time I saw this story was on this cover on my way to the checkout at the grocery store. Normally I avoid all eye-contact with the magazines, at all cost, leading to the checkout. But, the headline on People magazine caught my eye, and I thought: "Is this real? Why? Does she understand who she is? Has our would reached this point?" I was reminded of the story for the first time since, when I saw another article today online. Wanting to know if I truly understood the story I watched the interviews, and read the articles surrounding Brittany Maynard's decision.

The quick summary if you are not aware of the story is that Brittany Maynard, now age 29, was diagnosed with one of the most aggressive forms of brain cancer, at a stage 4. She was given 6 months to live, and with her husband, moved to Oregon in order to take advantage of the "Death with Dignity" Act. Essentially, this would allow her, a terminally ill individual, to obtain and use a drug that would end her life, when she is ready. If you want to know more, I will leave that to you to research.

Personally, I have a very hard time with this story. I do not know or understand all of the physical, mental, and emotional pain that comes with living with a given amount of time, and fighting cancer. However, this woman does here, addressing the story in a far more personal way--she too, like many others around the world, walks the hard road of an ending life--But instead chooses to live it.
Take the time to read it here :  Dear Brittany

However, I still would like to address Brittany's story, and more importantly, the topic of ending your own life. When trying to be sure that I knew the whole story before writing this afternoon, I watched an interview where Brittany spoke of the beauty of this world and her love for the outdoors. The latest headlines have been proclaiming that she checked off her last bucket-list item of seeing the Grand Canyon.That is wonderful that she made things happen, and decided to do the things that mattered most to her. I love that she values everything around us.

But, this beautiful earth was created for you, and created for me, as a place for us to learn, grow, and go through trials and struggles of every kind that would allow us and help us to become greater people than we could ever be otherwise. 

I don't stand behind, or support those who have written scathing articles and comments about the decision. I would hope their hearts are in the right place, because their words are not always. But, I do stand as one who does not, nor will ever, support a person in ending their life. Instead I support the fight for each of God's children to continue to live, especially when they feel they can't go any further, because that is when legacies begin, and our world begins to undergo miraculous change--change that could have only happened through the means of a divine, unique, son or daughter of God. 

Many of us know those who have ended their lives early. Those who judge these individuals do not understand the damage those judgments cause, and the pain that is felt by the friends and families who are missing lived ones. I would hope the world would support these families in their struggle and pain, and support those who continue to live though life may feel dark, and the trials never-ending.

The above video was recently released by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, talking about depression and suicide (though this video is not addressing medically-assisted suicide, and though many disagree with me, suicide--intentionally killing oneself--is exactly what Dying with Dignity, and sadly, Brittany is planning on doing.)

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and like you, a beloved child of our Heavenly Father, I know that He would never want us to deprive ourselves and our souls of the sacred experiences found within the trials of life. Those same experiences that make people around the world ask if they should simply be done. This life is a journey, that will lead us to greater things, and shape us into greater people.

This medical-assisted suicide has been called "Dying with Dignity." To that I say, how sad. How devastating. How heartbreaking. We have been called to this earth at specific times, as specific people, to be part of something incredible. Being here is a sacred opportunity and responsibility. Why, no matter how hard it gets, would we deny ourselves this right? I was once in a church lesson, and we were discussing trials and hard experiences. One of the women there, when speaking of a specific, personal, trial, stated that though it was so hard, there were experiences within that trial that had she not endured it, she would have "sorely missed." Those words have stayed with me since.

I know that each soul is precious to our Heavenly Father. He knows all we can become. He knows how much we can handle--always providing a way to accomplish what is set before us. Often by allowing difficult and unfathomable trials to enter our lives, he is simply giving us the means and the environment to become that much greater--greater than whatever the trial may be. And if that trial--like Stage 4 brain cancer ends up removing a person from this world, by living it out the best they could, they will leave a legacy where they once stood. I believe that this is not the end, and in that light, we must live our lives to the fullest, until we are called, by our heavenly Father, to the next step.

The world needs to remember the value of life--With all my Heart,

Tayler


For more on what I believe: mormon.org

25 Things on my Mind

It is coming quickly! 25 days, and I will be reporting to the MTC, and starting my adventure as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (Here's the countdown :) )

It really doesn't quite sink in at times....



With that said, my brain is all over the place at some points, so here are the....

25 Things On My Mind:
1. This really can't be happening--I've dreamt of this moment for such a long time. The Lord's timing is always in our best interest.
2. I am going to miss my family A LOT. Being the oldest, it's like going off to Kindergarten all by myself, all over again! However, I don't need to worry about my family, because The Lord is aware, and He can do much more for them, than I could ever even attempt. He knows what they need far better than I do.
3. North Carolina. That's the South, Right? There's no way I'll pick up the accent........y'all??
4. Oh humidity. There's Cold, and then there's wet-cold. But if you're from Montana, this can't be bad. (I really have no clue.)
5. I may actually be grateful that I have had a (crazy) roommate, because I'm about to have some full-time sisters. :)
6.  8 shirts X 8 skirts = 64 combos, in theory. :)
7. Days may be long, but months are going to fly!
8. I am not a super savvy with my scriptures--I can't quote much off the top of my head..... Thank goodness we devote so much time to study in the field.
9. I love Preach My Gospel :)
10.  I am SO excited to go to the temple--Covenants (Sacred promises between ourselves and God)are the most powerful blessings, and there is no place like the temple.
11. I can't wait for the MTC! It's a once-in-a-lifetime deal.
12. This whole mission is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
13. What happens when I get back? BYU will still be there, thank goodness!! :)
14. I am SO grateful for two incredible home-wards (church congregations).
15. I really like letters--love letters, I mean, LOVE letters......I mean I guess I love, love-letters too......just give me 18 months. :)
16. I'm packing lipstick--not to wear, but to seal my family letters with a kiss;)
17. I think I'm going to make a midnight-snack in a moment. That privilege will be removed temporarily, in the near future....
18. I will be one of 88,000, full-time missionaries. Still, there are specific people, that each one will touch. How could this not be the Lord's work?

19.      
20.        Then there are many other things that fill my mind, but the last few are
21.              all quieted by this: He Knows Me.
22.
23.        I haven't sat down to blog about what it was like (though I will before I leave)
24.          to open my call, and the following 24 hours, but right know I will say that
25.          I have a testimony that He knows us personally--He created us, and plans we
                   can't even comprehend. We MUST trust. If that is one thing I have learned
                    during this mission-process, it is to trust in His timing, His wisdom,
                    His word, and the personal, sacred covenants we make with Him, 
                     throughout our lives.  He lives, He is the Christ, and He loves you. 

Soon to be, 

Sister Knudsen

Getting Ready: Grace

I am at 27 days till I leave for my mission, and my little brother just turned 18 today. Life is CRAZY. As I get closer to leaving though, and the older I get in general, the more I often feel like I will never live up to the expectations and dreams my Heavenly Father has in store for me; I feel like my potential is so far away. I came across this BYU Devotional. (I really do miss BYU, and am excited to go back after completing my mission. But, right now, I have a very important chapter, right in front of me. )  Last semester, a friend lent me a copy of "The Continuous Atonement" by Brad Wicox. If you have a chance to get a hold of it, it is an incredible book. I can't really say anything but that it is incredible. 

Some of the things talked about in this devotional are found in his book, but if you need to refocus your sights, and decide the direction you want for today, this is more than worth your time. (it is long, so you may have to break it up into ten to fifteen minute blocks, but it's worth it. :) )

His Grace is Sufficient    (here's the Link)

Have a wonderful Thursday!
Warning: it may make you want to start taking piano lessons. ;)

Tayler

I Tackled a Taco Today.

After some crazy traveling I made it in time to have my wisdom teeth taken out on Friday afternoon. Well, it was a tad painful, but I am proud to say that I was able to consume a full-size soft-taco between the two sessions of conference. :) I got thinking about this a little, how perspective is so very different for each person, and throughout out lives. I know I have o be careful to keep others perspectives in mind. Normally, I would feel very silly proclaiming that I was able to eat an entire taco, but when you have your wisdom teeth out, and a very swollen face, it is a feat to be proud of. :)

Also, though on painkillers, I was able to (barely) stay awake for General Conference, as time and again the speakers said words that my heart needed to hear. I'm pretty exhausted so I'm going to keep it short, but as the Mormon tabernacle choir sang "Count Your Blessings," I thought of how many things we can be grateful for. We have living prophets to guide and teach us, families to be part of, and the opportunity to come to this earth and experience all of the joys, pains, and blessings of this life. But above all, we have temples, where we can go to make sacred covenants with our Heavenly Father, to help us return home to him.

Have a wonderful Sunday evening,

Tayler

He is in the Details

So, as usual, it has been a while since I have put something up on the blog, but how could I not after such an amazing day of general conference! I hope you had a chance to catch both sessions today, but if not, you can watch and read them here : lds.org

There were amazing talks today about family, civility towards those we may not agree with, spiritual light, the enabling power of the atonement, gaining spiritual confidence, and my favorite, Christlike love. Though my post tonight isn't about conference exactly, I couldn't not mention some of the amazing things that were spoken about today.

But now, for my simple story. :) I flew out to Kansas City yesterday to see family, and I am just going to say that it was kind of a very long day. No, it was a LONG day, but it was good too. But let me take you to about 2pm yesterday. To set the scene, I'm on my second flight of the day, on a plane that had already been delayed twice because the aircraft was at another airport, and then delayed again, after we all were already boarded, due to a maintenance problem. But still, we were flying, finally, the young guy next to me was a sweetheart on leave from the military, going to surprise his wife and parents, and I was on the final stretch of getting out to KC. I have flown several times before, and it really was never that nerve-racking, and thought I am really claustrophobic, planes never get to me. Well, yesterday, it got to me. :) I found myself 33, 000 feet above the ground, in an airplane full of stale air, and we were hitting some impressive turbulence. I caught myself holding my breath, feeling like I was going to heave, though there was nothing even in my stomach, I began (internally) panicking, and feeling like I was about to suffocate in that aircraft--I promise I'm not just being dramatic. I kept praying in my heart that I would be able to just stay calm--I had another hour left, it had already been a crazy two days, and the day wasn't even at it's climax. I didn't have the slightest clue of what to do except keep breathing and tell myself we were almost there.

 Then what I truly believe was a tender mercy, began with the crew going down the aisle asking what people wanted to drink. I don't drink coffee, but I would usually associate it with the morning, and we were on a flight at 3 in the afternoon. But, for some reason or another it was as if half the plane was craving coffee at that moment.  I watched as the flight attendants made more and more, as people kept requesting coffee. I have never been on a flight where that has occurred, or even been able to smell coffee on the plane, but before I knew it that was all you could smell: coffee. I closed my eyes, and I was no longer in the stale air of a jet cruising at 33,000 feet. I could breathe again, the walls quit coming in on me, the nausea was gone, and my heart quit racing.

 I know many believe that life is full of coincidences, but I don't. Rather, I have a testimony and know that our Heavenly Father is in the very details of our lives, and knows each of us personally and more deeply than we know ourselves. He could have left me there, feeling sick, nauseous, claustrophobic, tired, stressed and overwhelmed--after all, all I had was an hour left and I would have been on the ground and onto the next part of the adventure. But He knew my heart was full of disappointment, my head was spinning, my stomach churning, everything that had happened that day, and everything else that I still needed to do. And as I sat there pleading and praying in my heart for the strength to just make it, and I had no idea what to do, he sent such a tender mercy. He knew exactly what I needed, even though I saw no solution.

At the close of the second meeting of general conference today, the following words came into my mind: "Be still, and know that I am God."


Do we truly know that? Do we completely grasp how much he cares for us? How much our heavenly Parents care for us?

I think that the love they have for us is something we will never be able to fully grasp while in this life. But it is something we can lean on, and trust in.
You will always be loved. 

Well, I am excited and look forward to another amazing day of general conference tomorrow. I hope you've had a wonderful day today, and thanks for taking a minute to read this. :)

Lots of love,

Tayler

Daughter of a King

My heart is very full today. I came home a week ago from spending a week with my best friend, but as all trips do, it had to come to a close. While I was there, we were lucky enough to spend Sunday together. That morning I looked for a talk that I could play while I was getting ready. I found the talk from 2011: The Eternal Blessings of Marriage, by Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  ( I promise I'm not dropping hints....I have another chapter that is about to open first) Elder Scott's voice echoed in the bathroom, as I stood curling my hair at the vanity. I almost couldn't hold back a few tears as he said words that I will forever hold in my heart:

"I know what it is to love a daughter of Father in Heaven who with grace and devotion lived the full feminine splendor of her righteous womanhood."

I can't think of anything more beautiful: Living with grace and devotion the full feminine splendor of righteous womanhood. After pondering it a while, I thought of how different that would look at different stages of life, yet how it is all rooted in being daughters of our heavenly Father. There is no greater peace than that which comes with knowing you are His and he loves you. There is no greater joy than that which comes when you decide to follow him, and put your faith and trust in Him and His plan for you. He wants each of His daughters to live as Sister Scott did: with grace and devotion, the full feminine splendor of righteous womanhood. I hope it is safe to say that there are few forces greater than the faith and love of a righteous daughter of our heavenly Father. A daughter of the King: A princess.

My hope and prayer is that one day, one of Father in Heaven's righteous and worthy sons will be able to say that he too knows what it is to love a daughter of God like that--that I have lived, with grace and devotion, the full feminine splendor of my righteous womanhood.

I know that our heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of us--He is in the very details of our lives. He knows us. He loves us. He sees our potential. Great things await you--you are needed on the earth at this time, to fulfill callings that only you can fill. Remember, you are a son or daughter of the King.

As always, with lots of Love,

Tayler



The Eternal Blessings of Marriage: Richard G, Scott

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-eternal-blessings-of-marriage?lang=eng#watch=video

Stop to Smell the Clover

Goodmorning! I've been waiting and waiting for a time when I would have an awesome topic, and a good hour or two to get it through my fingers and onto the blog.........but here I am about two and a half months latter, and I have come to the conclusion if I don't just take this moment (set a timer for 20 minutes) and write, I will never get ANYTHING up!

Well, I guess for anyone reading this, I should probably give you a quick sum-up of my life over the past while. I packed up and went home for the summer, I have spent time with family, have taken--and will be taking a trip or two back to Utah, and before I know it, I will be back for the fall! People talk about having a summer romance, and I have never understood that until this summer--I have seriously fallen in love with the sunshine, the bright sunrises, seeing Mr. Mendelsohn (refresher: that's my cat--don't get TOO excited. ;) ) every day, and sleeping in a double bed--my own bed. Yep, I'm in love with summer. :)

I have to say though that coming home after living away for about 8 months is interesting all in itself. You've moved out.....but your back......but not for long? It's a pretty crazy deal.
But enough about that---I miss Mayberry. (If you don't know what I am talking about, google "Andy Griffith" or "Mayberry" and you'll figure it out pretty quick.)

The whole idea is that simple life (the 50's about) and enjoying all of the simple pleasures--family dinner, sitting on the porch, talking, and being truly happy.

It got me thinking about how my absolute-favorite moments are never perfectly planned, elaborate, or by the world's standard are they ever picture-perfect. I recently had the chance to spend a week with one of my best friends. We did a ton of stuff while I was out there, but my favorite moments were when it was simple. I loved going out country dancing, but dancing in the living room was just as--if not more--fun. And looking back on the whole trip, (let me preface it with the fact that I was spoiled and stayed at his sister's house) I have to say that one of my favorite days was the simplest. It wasn't when he was in a suit, and I was in a dress, for church, in fact, it was when I overslept when we were supposed to go running. :) Oh yes, after many late nights, I slept through my alarm, so he patiently waited for me as I threw on yoga pants, a t-shirt, tennis shoes, and my glasses. (Didn't even take the retainers out...) As I came tearing up the stairs, it caught me off guard to find a gentleman standing in the kitchen in a t-shirt, shorts, tennis shoes (obviously because we were going to go running....)and glasses, looking a little like he had just gotten out of bed as well. :)  I hope I don't embarrass him, but when I came up, horrified that I had totally overslept, I'm sure I turned to him and said a rather frazzled "goodmorning." He looked at me with this slightly mischievous grin, and said "I've got something for you."  Then he handed me a 3-leaf clover. I kind of chuckled, said thank you, and set it on the counter--figuratively brushing it to the side We headed out to go running, ( he's practically an Olympian......so the poor guy doesn't exactly get the greatest workout if he goes with me) and found our way back to the house I was staying at. After washing my face and ditching the retainers, I came back up to the kitchen to find that breakfast was set out, and he was ready to dig in. As we sat eating and talking( not at the same time though..... :) ) I couldn't help but think how simply wonderful it was--we were just in t-shirts, shorts, and both still sporting our glasses. If I remember correctly, he had yet to shave, and I had yet to even shower. Honestly, it was simply real.

We had to get on with our day so he headed home to grab a shower, and I put a few things away. Before I left the kitchen, I saw the clover on the counter, smiled, and then tossed it in the trash.

The trip was wonderful, but as many things do, it had to come to a close.
Let's fast forward to me driving back home a few days later. Hours in the car give you a lot of time to think. I don't know where it came from but somewhere between BYU and home, I remembered that clover. WHAT WAS I THINKING!! Why on earth did I just throw it away? As I drove I began to wonder, "what happened?" When did I become too formal, too proper, or maybe even too old to enjoy the little things?  Had I to relive it, I would have slowed down, said a much warmer "good morning", and let myself smile and thank him genuinely. You would probably find a clover pressed between the July 2nd and 3rd pages of my journal, because it was a moment in my life, and a memory I want to hold onto.

I'm happy to say that I'm relearning to slow down and enjoy the little things again. We're commanded to be as little children, and I believe that links directly to the small and simple things. I know they say to smell the roses, but don't forget to notice the clover too. ;)

Wishing you a wonderful summer day,

Tayler
 P. S. One of my favorites--my dreams in a song, reminding me how life is just simply beautiful :)

Are You a Mom?--It is a Beautiful Thing

My mind is racing and full of so many things that I could say--being that it's mothers day. I happened to check my facebook, and to my surprise and delight, I found this photo in a message a good family friend had just sent:

I remember when this was taken--probably close to a year ago. I had gotten off work, and mom and Soph with the umbrellas, hot chocolate and sweat pants, were just coming back from a long walk. The family friend happened to walk up behind us and have us turn around and snap a picture. I am so glad she did. :) 

When I look at this picture(especially with it being mothers day) I am just amazed at how blessed I am to have the mom I do. Truly, I cannot even tell you what it is like having Wonder Woman for your mom!

So, as I tried to decide how on earth I would cover such a truly divine topic--motherhood--I thought I would turn to a piece a wrote almost exactly a year ago. 

Chapters

            “Are you a mom?” a tiny voice asked me quizzically as I stood on the elementary school playground. Her beautiful round face was dark, but rosy as the kickball her two tiny arms attempted to wrap themselves around—the kind of ball that used to leave an imprint of the cross-hash grip on your skin if you ever got hit—the kind of ball I was terrified of when I was her size. It seemed some days that it never even was; it was hard to believe that at some point in time we all used to see the world from 3 feet above the blacktop. But now, over two and a half feet higher, and nine or ten years from that time, I stood on the playground with a little girl sizing me up, and trying to determine what I was exactly. Amidst the laughter and squeals that filled the air, I looked down at her, and replied, “No, I’m here to see my sister—she’s over there.” “Who’s your sister?” as if my explanation wasn’t enough. “I’m Sophie’s sister.” I pointed to the basketball court, and at my sister, who was playing lightning with some of her classmates. She really is good at basketball, and far better than I am, especially at her age. I had been deathly shy. It’s funny how you can have the same parents and end up with a rough-and-tumble blonde, and a tall brunette who would rather be taking photos and writing cook books. We hardly even look like sisters, but when we sing, it is the only time that you can’t tell us apart. I barely sound older, and looking at us, I am much taller, though the margin is slowly diminishing. We all know I’ll come home one day, and she will have passed me up, and I will officially be the shortest sibling. And someday, I’ll have to try to convince by kids that I really was the tallest, until their Uncle Ben passed me up when I was eighteen and a half, and he was fourteen. How we all just seem to grow up is remarkable if you step back and attempt to grasp it.  

            The little girl looked suspiciously at the court, her brow furrowed, then looked back at me. “You mean Sophia?” She almost sounded disgusted that I couldn’t say her name “right.”  It took me a moment to register her response—you forget that the crazy, spunky blonde at home, who goes by Sophie, Soph, Sopha, and Sopha-doph, is know to the rest of the world as little miss Sophia Kathryn. You also forget that her world is far smaller, and everything in it is far bigger than any of us realize. Somehow we seem to forget we were ever even in those shoes—of not knowing who we even are.

            I think of my future: We had a choir concert last night, and the conductor read off our note cards that had our plans after high school. My card included my college, major, and then at the end, after the degree is earned, and other chapters are unfolding, I added that I am going to be a mom, and write cookbooks. A friend came up to me afterwards and asked if I had actually put that down—thinking the director had randomly added it. I reassured her that they were my own words. The future is a funny thing. It strikes me as sad, that someone can’t honestly say they want to be a mom—plan on being a mom someday. When I think of that playground and watching my sister among all of those other little worlds, I wonder what I'll do when I have tiny worlds that make up my own—and when I am their world at the beginning of their journey on this earth. At that point you realize that all you can truly do is love them—unconditionally, and forever. Then you realize that someday you have to send them out into the world, prepared with the knowledge that they are special, and they are loved. I don’t know what I’ll do when they come home upset that a classmate called them this, or told them that. What else can you do but wrap your arms around them, and tell them that no matter what, you love them, and that it is ever important to remember that they are just a special as the other child—that no matter what, we can still love people even if we don’t agree with what they say. I guess you tell them that you are so blessed to have them in your life—which is so true, no matter how hard it may be some days.

            And what do you do when they don’t want to go back—into that world that sees them as another tiny person, incapable of feeling or emotion. I remember crying and screaming to not make me go back to kindergarten, but I also remember a bright-red lipstick kiss, on the top of my tiny hand. It was mom’s kiss, which I would get in the morning, and would last till I got home that afternoon. I’m one of the very blessed ones—I have always known that I’m loved. How do the children who don’t know that, survive this critical world? Mine won’t be among those.

            Sometimes I wish I could recall more of my time in that tiny world, but maybe it is good to forget some. I vividly remember my 1^st grade teacher saying one thing that has stayed with me ever since. I had forgotten my lunch at home, so I asked to call and have my mom bring it up. My teacher, with her blonde hair, and long red fingernails, looked at me and got a little closer to my face, then said those haunting words; “Your mother has your brothers at home—she doesn’t have time for you.” I believe that I bought lunch that day.

            I asked my mom about that moment a while back, and she told me how angry she was that that first grade teacher had had the audacity to say that. I would be horrified if anyone told one of my siblings that I didn’t have time for them—I can’t imagine someone saying that to your own child. Look at me: that happened over eleven years ago, and I remember it like it was yesterday.

            Back on the blacktop, the little girl then turned to me, as I reassured her that Sophia was in fact my sister. Her face lit up, “Oooh, So-PHI-a.” She then ran off—disappearing as undetected as she had arrived. I still just stood there though, waiting for my own mom—our mom—as she was talking to Sophie on the side of the court. I believe the whole reason we were there was to bring her something; maybe even a lunch. But I stood watching the two of them, and thinking how that used to be me, and mom used to bend over and look me in the eye just how she was talking to Sophie. I never felt like I was as small as I actually was. Now, I look down at my mom, and you begin to realize that your parents are human—trying to just do their best—and that they were once in your shoes.

            Mom walks over to me, and Sophie returns to her game—it was one of those precious moments that are ever so fleeting, but for an instance life seems crystal clear. I just watched her walk—a decade on her shoulders since I was in a tiny world like all of those children. She is still just as soft, and just as remarkable. When she calls my cell phone, it doesn’t say “mom” but “wonder woman.” Wonder Woman walked over to me, and together, we headed for the gate. Children would dart in front of us, other parents would walk in, but I just took the time to reflect on the fact that the chapter was closing. I had huge shoes to fill.

            Since that day, I’ve thought a lot about that question: Are you a mom? That is something I will probably ask myself from the day that is a reality, through forever. I have many chapters to open and enjoy before I get there, but the pages seem to turn faster as you grow older. With that, I begin to imagine how I want to read those chapters as well. College is at my front door—and my life is just beginning. I have so many opportunities and experience I can look forward to having. Life never unfolds how you think it will, but that is what makes it worth while.

            In a world where having a high paying job is more impressive, and children are being seen as a nuisance, I have no doubt that one day, most likely sooner than I can even comprehend, someone will ask me that same question: Are you a mom? And I look forward to the day—that chapter—when I will turn to them and say, “YES!”

 ~~~~~

With that said, I want to put it in writing right now, that being a mother, and being a woman are divine callings. It is demanding, it is hard, it is challenging, it is exhausting, it is stressful, it is discouraging, it is rewarding, it is exciting, it is beyond special, it is more important than you will even know, it is beautiful, it is sacred, and again, above all, it is divine. 

Thank you, Mom.

Tayler 

May-Day Mad Dash!!!

I have 8 minutes until the day is over, and I haven't posted in forever, so 100 little (and BIG) things that I am grateful for/love before the clock strikes 12!!! **Disclaimer:items are not in ranked order

1. My Savior
2. Family
3. Education
4. Sleep
5. Mr. Mendelsohn ( my cat ;) )
6. Photos
7. Postcards
8. the Temple
9. America
10. Piano
11. A voice
12. Music
13. Cooking
14. Cowboy boots
15. Swing dancing
16. mugs
17. hot chocolate
18. yoga
19. ice-cream
20. sunshine
21. The mountains
22. Cars
23. Relief Society
24. computers
25. the internet
26. hamocks
27. porch swings
28. farmers markets
29. letters
30. love letters :) 
31. poetry 
32. stars
33. picnic blankets
34. picnics
35. breakfast in bed
36. long pajama pants (story of my life!!) 
37. sun hats 
38. old dresses
39. long white gloves
40. good books
41. skype
42. lists
43. old travel trunks
44. good stories
45. childrens books
46. SUNSETS!!!
47. the Blog
48. AHHHHHHH!!!!! 30 seconds!!! Time is a good one
49. Snow
50. Home (Well, my time is up, but it put it as Friday, so I'll just keep it rolling :) 
51. Badminton--After the net is set up....
52. Being cozy by the fireplace
53. Journals
54. Striped Sweaters
55. Stripes in general..... :) 
56. Aprons
57. Cooking barefoot in the Kitchen
58.  St. Bernards
59. Long socks
60. Nail polish 
61. cell phones
62. mint, chives, oregano, thyme, and the rest of the herb garden
63. pumpkins. You can't forget pumpkins. :) 
64. Ukulele
65. Jars for ice-water in the summertime
66. Homemade Ice-cream
67. Vintage cars
68. Birthday wishes
69. pie (the real-deal)
70. Chicken-noodle soup
71. the Rain
72. Singing in #71
73. Crazy-little-thing called LOVE
74. Maybe I can say roadtrips
75. Crazy ideas
76. Sidewalk Chalk
77. My hipster glasses B-)
78. My Body ( I am so grateful that I can move, and see, and hear, and feel this thing called life.)
79. Inside jokes and accidentally playing telephone in the library
80. Big, little brothers and sisters
81. Teacups
82. Oh!! I almost forgot! Orange and Pink Poppies :) 
83. Daisies
84. Walking down memory lane
85. Trials.........yep, they help make us who we are.
86. Quotes
87. Flannel shirts. 
88. Smoothies
89. Space to get away and think. AKA: my spot
90. Good, old movies( + popcorn) 
91. Art (everything)
92. cozy winter beanies
93. my Big, Brown eyes 8-)
94. notes
95. Cultures, and places
96. Family Dinner
97. Hugs and Kisses
98. Quality Time with people
99. Big Dreams
100. All of my crazy ideas :) 

Whew!! Well, I am very tired and off to bed, but with a very grateful heart.

 Lots of Love, 

Tayler

A Sunset to Remember: Sitting with an Angel

Life has gotten so busy, with so many decisions to make, and sadly I've skipped blogging, but I honestly missed it. The evening itself was several weeks ago, but it has stayed close to my heart.

Sometimes I get the chance to spend an hour on Sundays at a home for people with mental challenges. Each resident varies in their abilities, personality, and story. Sadly you know very little about them at the end of the day, but for that hour the world stands still, your problems become unimportant, and you lose yourself being with these incredible people.
This time in particular, it was actually light out--with spring peeking from around the corner. If you read my blog--even if you only make it through the title--you should know that I absolutely love sunsets. They are very near and dear to my heart. And on this particular day, we had the chance to go outside, and waiting for us was a remarkable sunset. It was very simple, but stunning. Actually, it almost caught me by surprise, and in a way reminded me to take a minute and simply slow down and remember all of the simple pleasures and incredible blessings in my life.

I took one of the girls who cannot walk, or speak out on the patio with me. I pulled a chair up next to her wheelchair and together we sat for a few minutes just watching, as she held onto my hand. As we sat there, it struck me--I was sitting with an angel. There I was with so many mistakes and flaws, and lists of things I am trying to be, while she was perfect. It is incredible to attempt to comprehend how valiant she was, and how close she is to our Heavenly Father. It was humbling to say the least.
After taking it all in, we went back inside, and finished the hour spending time with everyone. Really though, I am so grateful that we are given those pockets of peace and insight--the quiet reminders to stop and remember.

Well, I'm going to keep it short--the semester isn't over quite yet :)
Still, Lots of love,
Tayler

Speed Bumps and Blessings

My goodness, it has been far too long! I have to say that a lot has happened since I last posted, but the best story took place last week. Let me preface it with the fact that I went home two weeks ago, so I guess this is a two-part tale. I'll start with the trip home. For me, that is where my family is, and that would be Montana--the Big Sky state.
        This was a trip unlike any other for many reasons: I wasn't planning on going home any time soon and then decided the night before to take a random trip, only my parents knew I was coming, and the last piece.......I had never actually driven it by myself before, and it was a good distance--not dreadful, but still a trip. The few weeks leading up to going home, I had some big decisions to make and had yet to make any of them final. After thinking about the trip that whole day, I decided that a long car ride combined with Montana air and family, was exactly what I needed. So, I got up the next morning, went and vacuumed out my car, (The owner, an older man in black rain boots, was power-spraying the car washes out, got a big smile on his face, and said good morning. I did the same--I love bumping into beautiful people :) )ran to the grocery store to grab a few snacks so I'd only have to stop for gas, threw a weekend's worth of clothes and necessities in a bag, grabbed my camera, ukulele, and cowboy boots, and with my windows down and music up, I hit the road! I could bore you with all the details of the trip, but I will sum it up with the highlights: I got a lot of thinking time in, I was definitely watched over on the way home, and I somehow managed to hit the biggest tumble weed I have ever seen in my life!! :) Really though, it was actually really funny. :)

Well, I made it by the evening, and surprised my siblings by randomly showing up at Safeway. My sister had yet to see me, so my brother had her go check out the aisle that I was hiding in. Her face was priceless when I ran up to her and wrapped my arms around her. It took her a second to process that it was me, but I've never seen her more excited!

The rest of the trip consisted of time well spent with family, and thinking.

 I did get to catch a sunset from my favorite spot, one of the nights I was home.

Family was amazing and wonderful, but even if I had driven that whole way to just go and sit on the fence (pictured above) and just stop to breathe and think, it would have been more than worth it. Peace is the greatest feeling in the world.
My last night at home the Soph-inator and I went puddle-jumping. I really should say swimming.

Really though, it was an amazing trip! I left with more insight and trust in the future--Heavenly Father has incredible things for all of us in this life, and as we progress on our divine paths. No father would provide those decisions, opportunities, experiences, and challenges, unless He truly loved us--all of which make us grow in ways we never could have imagined. 

So, I wrapped up my trip, threw my belongings in the car, and headed back to my temporary-reality of school. After rain, snow, rain, and more rain, I made it back in one piece and jumped back into the college life. 

Fast-Forward a week, I'm pulling up to my apartment after work, and I hit the curb (I've parked my car there a billion times, and for some reason I totally hit the curb.) My windows were down and I could hear all of the air rushing out of the tire. One of those moments......when you're not looking forward to the following moment.....  Two guys saw me do it, and walked over as I was getting out. The one actually worked at a tire shop, and offered to put my spare on for me--Blessing #1. The following day I went to the tire shop to get a new one because it had punctured a hole on the wall. I get there and all of the gentlemen there were exactly that--gentlemen: Blessing #2. I sat and waited as they put two new tires on because another was just worn out and needed to be replaced. After a few minutes one of the workers came in rolling one of my tires over to me and showed me how worn out part of it was.....and informed me that I shouldn't even drive on it. To make the story short, I now have 4 brand-new tires. But here is where Major-Blessing #3 comes in: I drove home and back with the old tires, and didn't have a single problem, and then I hit a curb, instead of blowing out a tire somewhere on the freeway. Somehow He makes up the difference when we are doing what we are supposed to, and following his counsel.

Well, I need to go to bed, but I am grateful for the opportunities and lessons we are shown and experience along the way.

Lots of Love, 

Tayler 

Crazy Girl

I don't know if it's a good thing that I laugh when I see this photo, but I can't help but chuckle when I see this--I needed something good to send home, and this is what I ended up with :) (I would call this--crazy girl)

Well, it has most certainly been a crazy week for this crazy girl. But you know what? It's a Friday night, and I can't complain.

The inspiration for this post comes from a two-hour conversation I had with this really incredible guy on campus. I apologize that it is simply a solid summary, but I was so very impressed that I didn't want to leave anything out. (Laugh  of the day--I now have a half sun-burned/maybe tanning face, because the sun was only beating down on the left side of me that whole time..... ) We had the most amazing, deep conversation I've ever had with someone I knew that little.(But now, know a lot more) Somehow we jumped around from what our families were like, their struggles/our struggles, the terrifying side of dating, and everything we want/the realities of being married people some day. We talked about how people think they get to ride into the sunset on their wedding day, and proudly proclaim that they will live happily ever after, but in reality, they are just beginning one of the most challenging, and testing, yet rewarding chapters of their life. But we then talked about how meeting and choosing your spouse is the most important thing you will ever do, because there will come a time when parents are gone, siblings aren't near, friends will be distant or slowly fade out, and even your kids will take off and make their own decisions, and all you will have is your eternal best friend if you have created that relationship. 

And still it continued.......We went on to talk about how we want to have creative family home evenings, and family scripture study, and a place where everyone is learning. At one point, he turned to me and asked, "if you could have any one thing in your house some day, and we'll assume you have the Book of Mormon, etc. :) what would it be?" My answer was a porch swing--for taking a minute to sit and take in the moment. I turned the answer around, and he got so animated as he talked about this amazing library he has definitely put a lot of thought into. It felt good to dream for a moment. 

We took turns trying to describe ourselves--if you ask him, I honestly never even got a good answer out. That is so much harder than you'd think. We continued to talk about how there are those few people we get the chance to meet in life, where you feel like you can be 100%, you, and somehow they just understand. Even more so, we talked about how your spouse truly is your anchor. I listened as he continued to the fact that even though he was going to school, and obtaining a degree to gain a steady, and good-paying job, at the end of the day it boils down to being able to support a family--not entertain, and spoil, but support. I then turned the conversation towards the idea of an MRS. degree, and how sadly, some women don't feel the need to finish their education. (there are definitely situations where this would possibly make sense, but very few)  I explained that as pessimistic as it may be, I am such a firm believer in gaining an education because as hard and torturous it would be to lose your spouse, or even divorce, life would have to continue, and there would need to be a way to provide for your family. Then next thing he said, blew me out of the water. he first completely agreed with me, then added that he felt a woman's education is possibly even more important that a man's because she is the one with the children all the time, and shaping them into what they will become. He added that both parents play a huge role, but at the end of the day, she will have an incredible impact. I loved what he continued with, "My wife will be smarted that me, but she won't even know it. Degrees and certificates don't mean a level of intelligence (I'm paraphrasing here) but she will have her own opinions and thoughts."

I have never thought of education in that light, and sat there a little bit shocked--he had just nailed it. 

And as incredible as all of this was, the part of the conversation that really left an impression on me started with us laughing about how we both used to be so confused about being told to "marry up" because logically, then someone would have to "marry down."  Really though, does that even make sense?! But then is was quiet for a minute, and he said that he will wonder again and again how he ended up with his wife, because she will be more than he felt he could ever deserve. My response was that she will wake up every morning, and go to bed every night, wondering how she could be so blessed, and so grateful that you he found her. 

After two hours of talking, it is hard to recall where within the conversation this came up, but we were talking about how when life would be hard, but you just look at your spouse, tell them you love them, and say that you know what--tomorrow is a new day. he then asked, "You keep up with country, right?" Mind you, I was actually wearing my boots at the moment :) "You know the song, 'Crazy Girl?'"  I had to smile, because i was very familiar with the song, and in all honesty, that is exactly what you want--that person that loves you no matter what, no matter how crazy you are, nor how crazy life gets. 

So, when I sat down tonight to write, I put on Pandora, and "Crazy Girl" came on. I had to smile and figured my topic couldn't be any clearer. 

For your enjoyment, here is the song: 

But before I leave tonight, I have to say that I can't wait to someday find my Crazy Guy, for this Crazy Girl. That's why you hold onto who you are, and learn to laugh, and learn to trust in Heavenly Father's timing, and Heavenly Father's plan. 

Well, goodnight, and lots of love, 

Tayler 

There is Sunshine in My Soul!

I know I'm a broken record when I say this, but it truly has been far too long since I have sat down and blogged.
I can't even describe how beautiful it was outside, and I believe the highlight of my entire day was probably sitting in the sun and reading between my morning classes. I really wish is wouldn't be so obnoxious to lug my camera around with me everyday--you miss so many amazing photo opportunities!

Though I was up pretty late, I was spoiled to have family friends who had been visiting back home, drop off oatmeal cookies and bread-sticks straight from my own (mom's!!) kitchen--there's no taste like home!

Tonight though, I really want to just count my blessings--a friend lent me a book called the Continuous Conversion, which is exactly what I found myself reading in the sunshine today, and right now the book keeps coming back to the concept of perspective. Then I had a psychology class this morning that addressed the same concept in a different light. I am constantly amazed at how simply beutiful this life is, and the over-powering love our Savior has for us. The book I mentioned addressed how we "learn, not earn, heaven." How true is that?! It isn't a matter of hanging on until we finally make it, then letting go of that lifestyle. This life is designed to help us reach and become like heaven. With this concept, the crude words or humor, or the questionable song or movie, don't even have a place. As sons and daughters of God, our spirits are far too precious to allow those things to fill any of our time; take a piece of your life.

Of course we sometimes wonder what things would look like if we had worked harder, or taken a different road. I feel like we often doubt our own abilities as well. Today, while I had the chance to stop and read before heading home, I heard singing--vocal point was doing an improv concert on campus. It was wonderful to hear them in the distance, but in all honesty, it brought back an entire part of my life that I have dismissed for the last six months, and all of the hopes and dreams that I had originally brought with me to BYU. I had planned on being in choirs, and working my way up to being in Noteworthy, but life got in the way of life, and plans changed, and priorities shifted. I called my mom as I headed home, and the gist of what I poured into her ear was that the last six months had been nothing like I thought it would be. I finished talking to my mom, and headed home.
Note: On the way, there was a section of the path covered in red, rose-petals. (someone probably got engaged last night.....) It's crazy, because those petals were originally roses, and if they could talk, would have told you they would much rather have been on a dinning table, in a vase. But there they were, scattered over the landing--after having the chance to be part of something much bigger, and far more important.
I guess....well, I know.......that is why you trust. He has a plan far greater than you, and a vision far truer than we are able to see.

So, as the title of this post says, "there is sunshine in my soul!" 

Yes, I am so grateful to be me--as imperfect as I am. In a world where we are constantly told we are not the right shape or size, too plain, too boring, not strong enough, not talented enough--a world that has lost its sense of true humor, its ability to see the blessings we are surrounded with, the experiences that make us truly rich(that fill our hearts), the value or a person, and the love our Heavenly Father has for each and every one of us--I am determined to be happy!

So what if I am not perfect today, or tomorrow, or even years down the road--I am becoming everything I can be, and the person I want to be.
 And in my opinion,
that is a beautiful thing.

Lots of love, I believe in you!
Tayler

When Life Gives You Apples.......Make French Toast.

They say that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade..........

What the saying should say, is:
 when life finds you at two in the morning with apples that are going to go bad soon, and you're craving french toast for breakfast the next morning, but you realize you don't have butter or syrup......
                            Discover and create the best french toast you have ever had in your entire life! Really though, I thought I had had french toast until this morning. :)

In all seriousness, how I got to this was just as a mentioned above--I really wanted to make french toast this morning, so last night I was sitting there wondering what on earth I could put with it because I didn't have any butter or syrup on hand. Add the fact that I had four apples that were about to go bad, and I ended up with the equivalent to apple-pie french toast. I do have half a mind to call it Tayler Toast.....how convenient my name starts with a "t." ;)  (When I made it, I just threw a ton of stuff together, and improved it, but I have included my "recipe" at the bottom of the post.)

Anyways, I was pretty excited as you can probably tell--it's awesome when something looks like a problem (i.e. no butter or syrup) but in reality it is an opportunity to learn, grow, and discover.
Now that, is where this whole "Tayler Toast" tangent is going,

Life is a lot of times like a recipe: if you take out vital parts, it won't work. If you don't give it the correct amount of time, it can get messy, fast. If you aren't prepared before you begin, then you will run into issues later on. Like life, there are sequential steps or chapter, pieces or ingredients, and many opportunities to succeed and fail.

I find myself trying to write my own recipe sometimes though--what I want to do, and when. I'm talking big-picture things: School, job, mission, marriage, family, etc. I don't forget, but I don't really remember 100% of the time, that heavenly Father envisions and knows the end result, and knows my potential. More importantly, He knows how to get me there, and leads me along the path that exposes me to the opportunities and often trials, that have the potential to help me reach my goal; to be like Christ. Back to the french toast analogy, it is kind of like how I sat there at two in the morning, wondering why I would even make french toast in the morning if I didn't have anything to top it with. But if I had had syrup or butter or jam conveniently in the pantry or fridge, then I would have never figured out how amazing Apples were on french toast. French toast is far different than our eternal plans, but the basics are parallel in the sense that:

A) It may not make sense now, and it sounds crazy, but it is more incredible than you could ever imagine.
and....
B) Problems are often opportunities to explore who you really are, and what you can do/become. You could go down a road you never would have otherwise.

Anyways, I know that I often need to be reminded that "everything is for my good" or "experience."
That most certainly doesn't mean it isn't hard or it makes complete sense to us now, but looking back, look out at that sunset, we often get to see a glimpse of the plan He has always had prepared for us.

Well, have an amazing week, and a wonderful Sunday evening.
Love,
Tayler


_________________________________________________________________

Tayler Toast :) 

Apples: In a crock-pot

8  apples cored and sliced (I left mine with peels on) 
4+  Tbs. Cinnamon
2    tsp. Ginger
1    tsp. Cloves
3/4    c. Water
4    Tbs. Brown Sugar (optional, depending on personal taste)

Throw apples, and spices in crock pot, pour water over and cook on low for 3+ hours. I left them in for about 6, and they melted in your mouth, but I would probably go shorter.

DON"T THROW OUT SPICED APPLE JUICE WHEN DONE COOKING!!!

French Toast: Aprox. 10 pieces

Loaf of Bread
8 eggs (if you want more of a custard texture, stick with egg yolks, and add milk)
1 Tbs. Vanilla
1 c. Vanilla Almond milk (good old milk is just as good/ maybe better)
1/2 Tbs. Cinnamon
1 tsp. Cloves
2 tsp. Ginger

Mix it all up, dip the bread in, and throw on the skillet. After just cooked, layer bead, then apples, then bread. Top with more apples, and about 2 Tbs. of juice from the crock-pot. 

In reality, you could add whipped cream or even vanilla ice-cream, easily. Enjoy!!

My Day: French Toast and the Temple. That's a Wrap, People!!

So....though I did have classes and I was running around like crazy, it was a pretty good day. I seriously bumped into everyone-under-the-sun from my old apartment. I can't even believe it's been almost a month and a half--some days I can believe that it really HAS been that long, (and some) but on a general scale, time is moving pretty quickly. 

I have to say though, that the best part of my day was first going to the temple. I'm back on my weekly track, and life is so much better. Truly, just those few moments impact your entire life. I walked up to the doors, and the big pool's fountain was shut off so you could see a crystal-clear reflection of the temple and the sun lighting up the glass, in the fountain. Then as I got closer I saw that crazy girl, in the doors, and I have to smile, because this is where she belongs, and the reason she does everything she does--to be worthy to return to her Heavenly Father someday. 

I had an interesting thought this trip to the temple. Being at BYU, and young......and more importantly, single, I obviously wonder every blue moon, when I'll meet my man--my best friend.  (Please note, that I am in no rush, and I am leaving the timing to Him who knows all) Really though, I have learned to not sit and try to profile every guy walking down the street, but to just keep going the direction I need to go, meet people, and some day, there will be someone going the same direction. But this is the amazing part--the closer I grow to my Heavenly Father and Savior, the closer I am to my husband; even though I have no idea what makes him laugh, or his favorite food, or the sound of his voice, or what he even looks like, or how it feels to say his name! It's because when you're searching for someone who is close to Christ, and you too, are close to the Savior, then as people spiritually in tune, you'll both be guided by the Spirit when the time comes. That doesn't mean just sit on the front steps of the temple, and wait--you have to figure out who you are and the entirety of the definition of you with the help of Heavenly Father. Will we reach that level of perfection within a year--most definitely not. In a lifetime? Well, that is what we strive for. :) 

It never ceases to amaze me how as soon as I put one more thing in His hands and say that I am A) Ok to trust that it will work out, and B)  willing to work and do whatever necessary to come closer to my Savior, then it is an understatement to say that the "windows of heaven are opened."  As soon as I reach that point, I rediscover that the Lord was simply waiting for me to be ready, but knew that I had to make that decision, whether it was discouragement, disappointment, a dream, or forgiving myself. He was simply waiting for me. 

Well, I need to say goodnight. I have one of those days that is almost booked to the minute, and I'm not quite at 100% yet. But before I leave, let me leave you with the latest addition to the definition of me--maybe my latest and greatest discovery. ;) 

I write love letters. Now before anyone goes, "HEY!! HOLD THE PHONE!!" let me explain. First off, I love letters and mail, and surprisingly, I've never done the whole missionary writing thing, or had long time pen palls, but still I (the magic of a mailbox is a post coming soon : ) ) enjoy how letters are like pieces of their sender, that you can read over and over again, and always look back on. So, I was in the bookstore and found these postcards. Needless to say, I now enjoy my detour in the morning, to the mailbox. (But only family gets a lipstick kiss.... : ) Truly, it is the best part of my day. getting up, writing a note to someone, and sending it off, knowing they have no idea it is coming. It's so simple, but I just love it! 

Well, anyways, I REALLY need to go to bed now, but for those who read my blog, thank you. :) 

Lots of love, 

Tayler 

"These Aren't Beets, Are They?" and the many other things that made today ok :)

So, the short version of my day would be that I spent most of it home, sick. I had the sore throat and chills going on all night, and then today, my bones have just hurt, and my back has decided that is is just out to ruin my day......but let me reassure you that it didn't. :) I successfully "got ready" this morning, which going with today's definition meant sweats, hair in a bun, and glasses--which reminds me: I had a girl ask me today if they were real :) .

When I got up this morning I was crossing my fingers that I had slept most of it off, but to my dismay that hadn't happened so I essentially began preparing for war on whatever I have. I was going to make my mom's chicken noodle soup, but then I thought about how I have so many neglected cookbooks on my book shelf, and thought I would go for an adventure--you have to do something even if you aren't feeling that great. So, I found a recipe, made my grocery list, and headed to the store. I am one of those people who actually really enjoys grocery shopping, and believes every romantic comedy should start in the produce section. ;) (maybe not all.......but some. )

So besides the fact that I didn't feel good, it was good to get out, and a rather pleasant trip to the grocery store. I grabbed lemons for hot lemon and honey, tea that I've been downing by the hour, ginger(which happened to be on sale, another little blessing) to soak in to try to get the toxins out of my system, and everything to make a crock-pot style chicken noodle soup. I wasn't kidding when I said that I am declaring war on whatever this is. Finally, I got to the register, and my day was made. First, the cashier was a super tall and thin college guy with an extremely deep voice--just a very cool and collected guy. I beat him to asking me about my day, by asking how his had been, and then he proceeded to scan all my groceries, until he got to the last item, put in on the scale, paused for a moment, puzzled, and said, "these aren't beets, are they?" I tried not to chuckle, and said "no, I am pretty sure they're turnips." The poor guy looked all over his cheat-sheet to find the code, as I continued to say that people probably didn't come and buy turnips very often. He finally found it, and soon I was off and on my way. I got to the car and actually laughed, because the combination of his voice, and the sincerity of having to ask what it was, was priceless--Really though, who cares if you can tell a turnip from a beet. I am honestly grateful that there are moments like that--as simple as that--that can be so entertaining. I'm grateful for the ability to laugh; There is nothing better than letting go of your worries for a moment, and laughing. :) (like when a girl asked me today if my glasses were actually real. ;)

As I've got the crock-pot going, and a mug of tea, I would have to say that the other little(or more so, very big) tender mercies of my day included going into work to just pick up my check, (the shop happened to be completely empty) but ending up talking with one of my coworkers for over an hour about life--it feels so good to truly talk about anything and everything with someone you can relate to. I happened to get a close parking spot which is divine intervention, and though my back isn't doing so hot, someone came up with the idea of a rice bag/snake, and it has made a world of difference today.

Well, tomorrow marks the middle of the week, and I have decided that no matter what, every day is important, even if all we have are our tiny victories. Lots of Love,
Tayler

Emotional Scars

I am not going to sit here tonight and pretend that my life is perfect. Like the rest of the planet I am here with a mission, and curve balls are often in the forecast. I've thought a lot about trials lately--I don't mean dwelling on them because that gets you nowhere. But I've thought about healing and moving on at different times in our lives. We had the BYU devotional last week which was absolutely amazing, and that talked about everything that has been going through my head. You can listen to it below:

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=2162

What I was really thinking about was my last semester--I know I've hinted that I had "roommate issues" and a rough semester, but as some of you know, it took me to my ultimate limits. People would ask me, how college was--they expected me to say that I was having the time of my life, and I ended up just resorting to saying that it was "crazy." 

This, is the real story of my 1st semester in college:

What truly happened was I moved out to Utah to start my new chapter. I was living off-campus so I would be sure to have a kitchen. The girl I roomed with seemed sweet and I was so excited that I had a nice roommate. Soon I had a Japanese roommate join the apartment, along with an engaged girl. Things seemed great, and school was really starting to roll. I soon learned that my roommate had emotional mental challenges, but I had dealt with a similar friend quite often at home, and was willing to just keep an eye on everything. 

Things were fine, until I came home one night to find her on her bed, silent, and shaking. After trying to get something out of her for a while, she finally confided in my that someone had physically taken advantage of her. I was supposed to take three tests the following day, but stayed up most of the night with her after calling the help line, and being willing to listen or talk. That in itself was a lot to take in. 

After having to meet with professors and reschedule exams, a few days passed and I soon learned that there was a high possibility that the entire incident was fake. 

I can't even tell you the frustration and anger that came with it. It simply grew as each day there would be more evidence that it had occurred, followed by evidence that it hadn't. Because of my personality though, my heart broke for her, and I really believed that it had happened. After a good two weeks of this constant changing which included fabricated text messages saying that that guy wanted to come to the apartment, I hit rock bottom. Every time I would turn around, something would take what I thought had happened/was happening, and turn it up-side-down. I honestly was about to crack. I found myself sleeping on my couch for almost an entire day, so depressed that I couldn't even get myself to classes. That night I just sat on the couch and cried. I hadn't cried over the last few weeks and it finally all came crashing down.  I didn't know what to believe, and was half convinced that the guy--really scary guy--was going to show up on my front doorstep. After I had been just sitting for a while, that roommate came and sat next to me, then said, "I'm sorry I've made you so upset." But she didn't just say it, she LAUGHED while she said it. That's when I was truly scared. 

I started camping on a friend's couch, and spent the next two weeks as various apartments. I would sleep there, then run to the old apartment to get ready and grab clothes. Everything I owned I had to stash at a friend's house or in my car, and left only clothes there. Usually I brought someone with me if I ever had to go back, because something had changed in the apartment, and something wasn't right. On one occasion, I had to grab my contact case and pajamas. As soon as I opened the door, I felt the most distinct and strong impression to GET OUT NOW. I literally ran and grabbed my stuff and ran out the door and to my friend's apartment. Darkness is a real thing, and the Holy Ghost will always warn you of it.

After two weeks of this, and filling more and more paperwork, I found myself sitting on the folding counter in the laundry room, crying on the phone with my mom. I literally felt like I was losing my mind. Because the apartment complex had yet to do anything, my Mom came down the next day and within a few hours I was packed and moved to another apartment within the complex. After moving everything, my mom made the call that I should probably go home for a few days. I had no idea how bad I was doing until I went home. It took me the first four days to even have any desire to get up in the morning, and I was numb for most of the 11-day trip. I didn't tell anyone I was coming home, and if I bumped into them, I didn't tell them why I was actually home. I felt like a freak and a wimp for having to come home--that I wasn't emotionally strong enough to have just dealt with it and moved on--but looking back now, I needed to go home. 

I later found out that she had done this seven other times to seven other girls who fell for it all--she picked us because we cared about her, and knew that we would be ones who would be there emotionally--that is the sickest part. 

I wish I could say that I have totally moved on, but a few days ago I sat thinking about how hard it has been the last few months to trust people, and to really reach out to others. I have never had a problem with the latter--in fact that is one of my greatest joys in life, but something had changed. I finally put the pieces together and realized that I have never been quite the same since everything went down last semester. (along with my grades which qualified me to be on the warning list at BYU.) 

 But why am I telling you this?! You don't need to know my personal trials!
I'm posting this tonight because I want to acknowledge the true trials we all face, and the aftermath that is often harder to overcome than the trial itself. Some may look at my experience and think that I had it easy, and they have an even crazier roommate story--I am sure that could be the case, but for me this was torture, and I am still dealing with the effects of that time in my life--grade-wise, financially, and most importantly, emotionally. What I want to ask is that we recognize one another's trials for what they are, and even though we may not be able to get ourselves through on our own, the Savior makes all things possible. It may not be easy to move forward--I'm truly still in that process--but through the atonement, there is a way.
I hope that your day is bright, and remember that if it's dark at this moment, there will come a time, when your days will be just as bright as they are dark now.
Love Always,

Tayler